new beginnings

Today is the first day of 2009 and it has been 373 days since I started my weight loss journey. I started Christmas Eve 2007 and have lost 86 pounds in that time! It is interesting what happens to you during this journey, you discover new aspects of yourself you never thought possible, like that you actually like working out, that you have hips, and that you are beautiful! Over the past year I have had some big hurdles to jump over- including three plateaus, losing friends to moves, and jealousy, and the constant struggle with believing that I am beautiful and truly making a difference in myself. I moved back home with the parents so I can finish graduate school and have been noticing all the pictures of me throughout my parents house that really make me sick to my stomach. I have been overweight- well let’s correct ourselves here- I have been obese since I was ten years old- sick I know, but a fact none the less. So over the past year I have been trying to get my medical records from when I was a kid and have not been able to retrieve them since I changed doctors when I was starting high school so i only have the weight measurments from 2000-. so looking back on past weights and logging my own weight loss over the year, i have realized that I now weigh less than i did when I was 14 years old- easily since at 14 years old i weighed at 250 and I am now at 219. So if I were to guess- i would say that I have not been this weight since I was maybe 12 years old- which makes me sick to think that I let myself get this bad. So since moving back in with the parents, another issue has come to light- I moved back to my hometown where I have been obese since 10 years old. So going back to my church where I was always the fat girl, the one in the choir, the one that ran the nursery, and the one that never quite fit in, it is interesting to go back, see the people that made me feel inadequate, and have them see who I am becoming. It was really hard to go back and I’m not going to lie, I dont think I will ever like or feel comfortable leaving the house in my hometown in fear that I will see someone from high school or church. I am struggling with the fear that I will never be thin enough and that I will always be the fat one in their eyes.

So struggles aside, the new year has begun and I am setting a new leaf for myself. I started a gym for the first time in four years, interesting since four years ago I was very fat, but I started a gym and am trying to up my game and keep the weightloss going. I hope to reach my goal this year (be at 168- lose 51 more pounds) - interesting since this past year i lost 86 pounds and the thought of losing those last 51 pounds seems unreachable. You would think since I have been able to lose the 86 pounds that the last 51 would be easy but for some reason the last pounds have been really hard, and it seems like everytime i turn around there is another plateau. THis year though, is the extra push, i am going to do it! and I know that I just need to stay focused and find that extra drive.

In addition to the extra drive, two weeks ago I went to a nutritionist for the first time, trying to find out what extra I can do, what I am missing, and just receive that encouragment that I was missing in my life…. But interesting, the nutritionst was very helpful, going over a food diary with me and being helpful by tweaking some minor things in what I eat that will hopefully make the difference to stay strong and lose the weight that just doesnt want to come off. The nutritionist also was encouraging in that she made me feel that I am actually doing this the right way. Now i know that everyone tells me how proud they are of me, but sometimes it is hard to take it in when they are family and close friends, but it was nice to hear from a specialist, someone that deals with people daily that are struggling, and have that person give you those words of encouragement and praise that will hopefully allow me to pick myself up and make that last leg of the race happen! I am looking forward to this year, starting my new job at DFCS in a week, coming closer to finishing my graduate degree, gaining that self confidence, and losing that 51 pounds! lets do it and make this a year to remember!!!!