Future Me!!!

 

ok so a friend did this on her site and i thought it would be interesting so i went and took advantage of it! this website: weightview.com takes your photo and changes it to figure out what you will look like 50lbs lighter. so here it goes—

interesting times…

So recently i have been reading a new book that a friend recommended- Skinny Bitch- which is written by two ex-models and is centered around being vegan but also gives you information about all that chemicals, by-products and components of the food we eat, how they affect our bodies, and what the government does to regulate or not regulate the food we eat. it is interesting in that it is very upfront with the intent of the book, but still allows you to learn a great deal even if you arent vegan. so the end of the book pretty much says that even if you dont learn anything else- just be aware and read the ingredients on everything you eat. i recommend this book to everyone! it will either get you thinking about what you eat, and if you are already changing what you eat, it will encourage you farther!!

so it has been since christmas eve since i lost a pound and have been really struggling with not eating out or eating what my parents make- yeah i moved back home- and have not been able to lose that weight for awhile. it has been a struggle that i know i need to get control of but hope that things will start to get back to normal in about a week- just started working for the Department of Family and Children Services, started back at school, and my best friend just had her son last week so not much time to really have that discpline! it will get better- just focus and stay strong- thats what i have to keep telling myself!!!

new beginnings

Today is the first day of 2009 and it has been 373 days since I started my weight loss journey. I started Christmas Eve 2007 and have lost 86 pounds in that time! It is interesting what happens to you during this journey, you discover new aspects of yourself you never thought possible, like that you actually like working out, that you have hips, and that you are beautiful! Over the past year I have had some big hurdles to jump over- including three plateaus, losing friends to moves, and jealousy, and the constant struggle with believing that I am beautiful and truly making a difference in myself. I moved back home with the parents so I can finish graduate school and have been noticing all the pictures of me throughout my parents house that really make me sick to my stomach. I have been overweight- well let’s correct ourselves here- I have been obese since I was ten years old- sick I know, but a fact none the less. So over the past year I have been trying to get my medical records from when I was a kid and have not been able to retrieve them since I changed doctors when I was starting high school so i only have the weight measurments from 2000-. so looking back on past weights and logging my own weight loss over the year, i have realized that I now weigh less than i did when I was 14 years old- easily since at 14 years old i weighed at 250 and I am now at 219. So if I were to guess- i would say that I have not been this weight since I was maybe 12 years old- which makes me sick to think that I let myself get this bad. So since moving back in with the parents, another issue has come to light- I moved back to my hometown where I have been obese since 10 years old. So going back to my church where I was always the fat girl, the one in the choir, the one that ran the nursery, and the one that never quite fit in, it is interesting to go back, see the people that made me feel inadequate, and have them see who I am becoming. It was really hard to go back and I’m not going to lie, I dont think I will ever like or feel comfortable leaving the house in my hometown in fear that I will see someone from high school or church. I am struggling with the fear that I will never be thin enough and that I will always be the fat one in their eyes.

So struggles aside, the new year has begun and I am setting a new leaf for myself. I started a gym for the first time in four years, interesting since four years ago I was very fat, but I started a gym and am trying to up my game and keep the weightloss going. I hope to reach my goal this year (be at 168- lose 51 more pounds) - interesting since this past year i lost 86 pounds and the thought of losing those last 51 pounds seems unreachable. You would think since I have been able to lose the 86 pounds that the last 51 would be easy but for some reason the last pounds have been really hard, and it seems like everytime i turn around there is another plateau. THis year though, is the extra push, i am going to do it! and I know that I just need to stay focused and find that extra drive.

In addition to the extra drive, two weeks ago I went to a nutritionist for the first time, trying to find out what extra I can do, what I am missing, and just receive that encouragment that I was missing in my life…. But interesting, the nutritionst was very helpful, going over a food diary with me and being helpful by tweaking some minor things in what I eat that will hopefully make the difference to stay strong and lose the weight that just doesnt want to come off. The nutritionist also was encouraging in that she made me feel that I am actually doing this the right way. Now i know that everyone tells me how proud they are of me, but sometimes it is hard to take it in when they are family and close friends, but it was nice to hear from a specialist, someone that deals with people daily that are struggling, and have that person give you those words of encouragement and praise that will hopefully allow me to pick myself up and make that last leg of the race happen! I am looking forward to this year, starting my new job at DFCS in a week, coming closer to finishing my graduate degree, gaining that self confidence, and losing that 51 pounds! lets do it and make this a year to remember!!!!

A little addiction…

OK so here it is. my new addiction….. I can’t stop watching Twilight!!! I am obsessed with this movie! anyone with me?

a little fun!

 

Ok i stole this from a friend. i needed a little fun and thought this would do it!!!

 

 FOR TODAY

(Tuesday 11-25)…

Outside My Window…

boys- im at work

I am thinking…

how i cant wait for december 5(last day of semester at grad school)

I am thankful for…

God, the people in my life, and such great opportunities

From the kitchen…

smart start cereal and a banana

I am wearing…

a blue sweater and black pants(at work)

I am creating…

a resignation letter

I am going…

to see Twilight with friends tonight!!!

I am reading…

nothing- cant with grad school but starting december 5 ill be reading a bunch of books waiting for me!

I am hoping…

to lose weight and be back to where i was three weeks ago!!

I am hearing…

co-workers talking about MARS

Around the house…

i have papers everywhere, a kitty that loves me, and boxes for the move

One of my favorite things…

smiles

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:

going home for thanksgiving and finishing papers

Could’nt do the picture thought because im at work and truly not supposed to be even doing this….

where to go from here?

I am pretty sure no one reads this anymore but i needed to write some thoughts down and if anyone does read it- replies, suggestions, or simply a hello would be greatly appreciated. so its November 18, 2008 and I am sitting here finishing watching the biggest loser and having moments of contemplation. So it has been right under 11 months of weight loss/journey and i have lost roughly 80 pounds. I would say 82 pounds but im being honest here and saying that these past couple of weeks have been rough and i have been swaying. I am lost and i dont know what to do. I have hit a large plateau if you want to call it that but i have swayed from 231-223 for three weeks now and it is starting to damage me to the point that well first i am a constant scale checker where i check my weight sometimes four times in a day( i know that is bad but whatever- get over it! thats who i am-OCD) so the weight issue over the last couple of weeks has now gotten me to where i dont even weigh myself. I went two days without even acknoledging the scale and i am scared. I am scared that i will be stuck here at 2?? forever! will i always be obese? will i ever feel beautiful? I am scared that i will be perpetually alone…… i have been single my entire life(22 years) and always thought that someone would come along and love me, make me feel special and loved but as i am out of college and now in grad school, most of my friends are married (all by three) and most are pregnant. I am starting to wonder if i will ever find that person that loves me. Will i always have to wonder what if? Will a guy ever love me for who i am- no matter whether i am fat or not???

So i have been thinking about why i havent lost weight and am completely stumped. I am eating about 1500-1800 calories a day and exercising- its not hardcore all the time but when i do workout-3-4 times a week- you would be proud- i never walk away not completely drenched in sweat. Will i always be fat? Does it matter what i do? No matter how much i work out, i have not lost weight!!! i just came back from a conference and worked out hardcore for the three days, and worked out the week before, but guess what? came back gaining weight and havent lost it since. what to do? please help if you have read this cause i am really feeling like i am about to lose the battle…

being beautiful?

Well I’m back from the wedding a lil over a week now and it was amazing. interesting though cause I dont come from a rich family but from the looks of the wedding you wouldnt know that- my cousin had an amazing five day extravaganza that was included with amazing food which none was healthy, cute guys living hundreds of miles away, and a broken computer. I had such a great time but when i came home and weighed myself- well lets just say i had to stay strong for the last week to get back down the five pounds gained!!! Something that i was not looking forward to going into the wedding was seeing family that has always coined me the ‘fat one’ and me not knowing how they would react to the weightloss. To start it off my aunt who has always been the one that made small comments or looks about my weight in the past cried when i saw her, she said she was proud and excited for me which was amazing and something that oddly i needed to hear. Then as the weekend was going on, my mom told me all the family and even strangers that were at the wedding were making comments about how beautiful i was and i was shocked- i mean- me, beautiful?!? not a concept im used to hearing. Ive been told in the past that i had a pretty face or nice smile, but never beautiful (period). so this is taking some getting used to- will i ever feel beautiful or worthy of the guys that flirt with me? or honk their cars at me? will i always look behind me to see who they are looking at or acknowledging???

on another subject- during the wedding weekend i was in the hotel room with my sister and cousin when i threw a hardback book at my sister to look at something and well if you knew my sister you would know that was a big mistake because she cowars whenever anything is thrown in her general direction. So when throwing the book it hit my laptop- brand new, graduation gift that i love so much- the book hit my laptop and broke two keys on my keyboard!!! the ‘k’ and ‘j’ were destroyed- pieces of metal that hold the key in were broken off and geek squad informed me that it would be three weeks till i have my computer back!!!! what to do?!?!?! so here i am three days in and trying to make it without my computer and anticipating midterms in grad school! lots of love- Amanda

75 lost and still the idea that i am fat….

I HAVE LOST 75 POUNDS IN NINE MONTHS!!! this is a huge deal to me!! a few updates and interesting experiences this week- so my cousin is getting married next week and i have to have a coctail dress so iwent with my mom to macy’s and honestly didnt think that i wouuldnt be able to find anything, maybe in the plus size section but i was looking at dressed and my mom told me to try on this dress that i thought would never make it over the shoulders. so as im in the dressing room and slowly putting it over my head and slowly pulling it down i am freaking out! A SIZE 16 FIT AND LOOKED AMAZING!!!! if you have ever been in my shoes than you know this is big deal because i have never been able to walk into a department store and buy something off the rack- more importantly in a non-plus sized section!!!!

second interesting thing to happen this week- so im at work and talking with co-workers and this new guard( i work at a boy’s prison) walks up and well lets just say- i almost drooled, he was gorgeous!! so for the past two days we have been giving each other a lot of eye contact during the time im in his building. so today after i leave his building to go back to the clinic a friend of mine and i start talking about the guard and she says- ask him out! and i immediately say no so she goes and calls him!!! she informs him that i think he is cute, ask him his name, age, and if he has a girlfriend- interesting- afterwards my friends are like – amanda, why dont you ask him out?  i said that it would never be able to do that because i had trained myself to not ask guys out or tell the mi life them because they will freak out and never talk to me- or that is what they always did before. so i realized that i will never be able to just tell a guy i like him- even if i do become small i dont think i will be able to feel like a guy isnt goign to go running in the other direction- will i ever realize that i am attractive to guys????

non-supporters

recently i have been having problems with friends that have not been supporting my weight loss. I find it interesting because some of them were the first supporters, giving me tips, words of encouragement, while others have been there for me in the past, but recently started to get hateful or defensive about my weight loss. A friend of mine lost her weight a year before me and i thought it was amazing and that she was such a role model. So a year later (last christmas eve) i decided to get going and try to change my life. I went to her about a lot of help including proper thnigs to eat, good exercises, and ways to keep the self esteem up, but as time has progressed, she has been less there for me weigh wise. A few weeks ago i was talking with her and another friend and they told me they thought i was a stop and go type personality- stoping one weight loss and going with it later and then stopping again and that really offended me because i have not stopped once since december- having now lost 71.6 pounds and going down six pant sizes. I was just upset that they didnt have the faith in me and that they still didnt after all hat ive been through. Another issue I have beeen dealing with is people not being supportive of the fact that i am changing my exercises up ever month or so to give a change so my body doesnt get used to it and stop losing weight. i had been walking 3-4 miles and running either bleachers or around the track for a couple miles but my legs have gotten really fit/tight and if you knew me that is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time- chicken legs run in my family and they are really showing now. So, i decided to change it up- still getting the cardio i need but focusing the weight loss on my stomach and arms. I am doing taebo videos and arm workouts with my resistance bands and 5lb weights. I am still losing the same amount of weight ( alittle delay with the new workout which is normal) but still losing and now focusing on my stomach and arms which have improved some. I have been having trouble with friends though- one friend tried to start a fight the other day because she thinks it is stupid to stop running and do taebo and that it is ridiculus that i am thinking i can not focus on my legs- which i know that i will still lose weight in my legs but this way i can focus on my stomach more. Why is she so defensive? She told me that she didnt think i would make it in my weight loss because i struggled at the beginning with not like certain foods and workouts so why is it now that i am finding my own workouts and eating habits and still losing weight is she not encouraging me?? why are people around me not supporting the one real thing i am trying to do with me life???

self hatred

so well…. i have been having a lot of troubles recently. I am now down 70.4 pounds, down six pant sizes and 4 tops sizes yet i still cant see the weight loss. I see it in the clothes and the way i feel when running my hands across my stomach but when looking into the mirror i dont see any change over the past eight months. Then today, i was at a friends house and we were taking pictures and i looked at thep ictures and was disgusted!! why is it after 70 plus pounds that i still look absolutely obese!!! i feel that this is not working and im never going to be skinny/healthy. what is wrong with me?!!!!